How this project came to be
When my mum was diagnosed with bile duct cancer, one of the first thoughts that crossed my mind was that I wanted to communicate to her everything I thought I’d have the time to but never got around to do.
But my head was a mess. I was reading up all I could about her condition, liaising with friends and doctors who could help, updating my family on her treatment, messaging her to keep her spirits up, visiting her during lunch time etc... Should I really set aside the precious little time and energy to write this letter?
Something inside told me this was something I needed to do. But then again, how could I ensure the mere words would properly and deeply honour the impact my mum had on my life?
I approached my dear friend, Vadivu, for her masterful ability to craft guiding questions that would help draw out those words and stories lingering around my heart. Through the tears, I could barely see what I was typing. But I simply let my stream of consciousness pour out on the page. I let my heart speak. I then saved it to my phone, intending to read it to my mum at the right time.
Weeks later, it was still buried in my phone, waiting for the right moment to reveal itself to me.
During one of the visits, my mum seemed relaxed and in fairly good spirits. We sang songs and laughed together over silly things. It felt like the 'good old days', except in a hospital. After lunch, as she was settling into her nap, I was suddenly overcome by a feeling that this was the right time. This was it.
How do I tell her I wanted to read it just in case… she died?
As I started to read her the letter, tears started streaming down my face. I couldn't believe that just two months ago, we were celebrating her birthday. And today, I was reading her a letter because we did not know how much time we had left together. I had to take long pauses to steady my voice. She asked why I was crying.
I wanted to tell her all I could before she died. But how do I do that without having her lose hope about her condition? How do I tell her I wanted to read it just in case… she died? I did not want to articulate all that to her so I laughed it off, wiped my tears and continued reading. She nodded at some points, and smiled at others. When I ended, she thanked me and told me she loved me too.
I then gave her a limp hug, the kind you are reduced to when hugging someone lying on a bed with multiple tubes running in and out of her. A kiss on her forehead. Then I said goodnight to her as I left her for the afternoon and thought about what I would bring for lunch the next day.
In the early hours of the morning the next day, she passed away.
Having read that letter has brought me tremendous peace and comfort even in my grief. I was able to gift my mum those heartfelt words, remind her of those stories I will always remember and communicate my love to her deeply and fully. I still cry when I think about how I would be feeling today if I had not read the letter. How I would have struggled to forgive myself for not doing so. How much more complicated my grief would be. How many people out there have regrets because they missed their chance or did not have the support I got.
It has been challenging to go back to my daily routine. Grief has been strange and paradoxical. I want it go back to normal. But how can I when something so monumental has changed forever? I want the pain to end. But if it does not hurt anymore, does it mean I do not miss her anymore?(More about that here.)
There was much I did not understand and needed to process, but some things were clear to me. I needed to do something to channel my grieving energy to, and that would give my mum’s passing and my own grief more meaning and purpose. And I knew this gift from Vadivu needed to be put out into the world to serve others.
“Grief is just love with no place to go.”
- Jamie Anderson
And so Letters for Life was born, to prompt and empower us to write life-giving letters to our loved ones.
Together, Vadivu and Daphne have refined this resource for a wider audience and hope to reach those who find themselves wanting to convey their love and gratitude to their loved ones but are struggling to find the right words and stories.
While Letters for Life was inspired by Daphne’s experience with her critically ill mum, the list of guiding questions can also be used to bring more depth to conversations (written and spoken) with the young and healthy.
Letters for Life is also a lifetime endeavour. After each passing season of our life, we may be inspired to pen down different thoughts, feelings and stories for the same person.
We welcome you to anonymously share excerpts of your letter that was inspired by Letters for Life, as a way to empower others to do the same.